Open to Hope Foundation® is a non-profit foundation with the mission of helping people find hope after loss. Their radio program has shared over 500 interviews on topics of grief, loss, hope and healing. This week they share with us an interview of TTSGI’s Executive Director Michelle Getchell who talks about twin loss. Click here to listen to the full interview.
By Carolyn Shane, twin to Cary
The NY/NJ Region is fortunate to be able to meet four times each year alternating between the New York area and in various towns in New Jersey. An email is sent to everyone weeks prior to a meeting for a vote to be taken as to which dates provided will work best for the members of the region. The most popular date wins and the meeting date and location is set and a follow-up communication is then sent to everyone informing them of the meeting date details. The date of Oct. 30th won the vote and we were fortunate to have 14 members and 3 supporters who attended this meeting on Long Island at the beautiful and comfortable home of Laurie.
We begin each meeting at noon time with everyone bringing something for the group to eat and an hour is spent having lunch together and chatting informally. At 1 pm everyone is gathered together for our formal time together. We start by lighting two candles; one in memory of our twin and one for us, to be blessed with peace of mind, body and spirit. Fred then leads us in a prayer which sets the tone for our get-together. After the initial part of the meeting where we review the rules and procedures of the afternoon, discuss the past and upcoming conference, and remind everyone that it is important that we as Twinless Twins support our organization, we go around the room and we share our name, if appropriate our twin’s name, and the circumstance of their death. Depending on the number of attendees, this portion of the meeting can take an hour or more. We then take a 15 minute break to eat a bit more and to connect with each other in support, after our sharing time.
When we reconvene, there is always a chosen topic to be discussed. On Oct. 30th, the topic was ‘How has being a twin affected your life positively and/or negatively?’ Everyone participated and shared at their own comfort level. Part 2 of the discussion was ‘What have you done /are doing/or plan to do to make a positive impact on others and yourself to honor the loss of your twin and to help you in your healing process?’
We ended the discussion by quoting Dr. Brandt’s belief and one of TTSGI’s motto: “Healing by helping others.” I also distributed the following quote by Dr. Phil which we read in unison: “The depth, breadth, and longevity of your grief are not a reflection of how much you cared about the person. Celebrate everyday of their life instead of grieve the moment of death.”
Our meeting ended with a universal thank you to everyone who came and by their participation made this meeting very special, indeed. And of course, the meeting was not complete without our photo moment. Thanks to Burt and Steve, two of our supporters who took what seemed like 14 cell phone photo moments.
by: Michelle Getchell, twin to Missy
Did you know that TTSGI has a FB group, which has almost 2,000 members? This FB group consists of both TTSGI members and non-members. We use this FB group as an outreach for TTs looking for support. On average 20 new contacts a week are joining our FB group. Our goal is to encourage and provide a safe haven for TTs to share honestly and candidly about their twin loss. Our FB group also serves as a way to help TTs (when ready) to get involved in the bigger community of TTSGI and become a member. Twinless twins from all over the world, with losses ranging from days to years, are participating in conversations, sharing their story, and offering their support – demonstrating “Healing by Helping”. We invite you to join our FB group: Click Here!
This FB group is moderated by eight of our amazing, faithful, dedicated TT members: Alice, Dawn, Sarah, Wilmette, Rob, Carol, Jane, Beverly – Thank You Moderator Team!
Questions? Please contact one of the moderators or send your email to firstname.lastname@example.org and we will pass it to a moderator for you!
My Detroit 2016 Conference Experience
By Janet, twin to Margaret
The Detroit 2016 Conference began on Thursday, which is meetings day for the Board and Regional Coordinators. I had breakfast first, in the dining room. There was a wide selection of hot and cold foods and I had fruit, yoghurt, freshly cooked omelet and tea. The Regional Coordinator meeting went on until lunch time then we had a shared lunch with the board before a meeting with them. Afterwards, I joined up with my twin pal Jennifer and we had dinner with Sandy and Paul before we all registered for the conference. This year the conference shirts were turquoise and very smart. We went into the new twins meeting and introduced ourselves. President Ray gave an address and welcomed everyone. We had desserts and drinks; then I went to bed early, hoping to sleep.
Friday was the first real day of the conference. I had an early breakfast with some of the twins before Inspirations at 8am. Afterwards we all went to opening of the conference in the big room. The keynote speech was given by Alicia Sims, daughter of Darcie Sims, the well know grief therapist who has spoken at conference on two occasions. The room was captivated by her positive approach to grief. Her message was that if we honour the life of our twins, we can look at anniversaries and significant dates more positively.
After Alicia’s address, we had a break before the self-introduction time. Lunch was at 11:45am and this year it wasn’t the usual boxed lunch with sandwiches and fruit, etc. We had an express buffet lunch in the hotel dining room for $15. Break out options were available at 1:30pm for those twins who preferred an alternative to the continued self-introduction sessions. I went to the writing class, but there was also a session for parents of twinless twins. Board member Dena facilitated our writing session, which was based on telling our twin stories. Dena shared with us a technique of writing where you look at a story from different character’s points of view.
We left the sessions to change for the twin memorial walk. As we boarded the yellow school bus which took us to the start, I marveled at the progress the returning twins had made. I looked around at the new twins boarding the bus and saw how they had already made twin friends and how they were smiling more. The magic of the conference was working.
Those walking found the circular mile walk challenging, but we were proud to be carrying a banner signed by all the twins, in memory of our lost twins. There were water stops and energy bars stops, all provided by Executive Director’s Michelle’s lovely relatives.
After the walk, we gathered in the grassy area of the park for the balloon release. We wrote messages to our twins and after Conference Committee member Sandra read an address, we all released them to the soundtrack of Tell Your Heart to Beat again. As our balloons soared off into the blue Detroit sky, it was unbearably moving. Back on the bus, we traveled the short distance to the Marriott to shower and change, ready for a meal out or in. My twin pal Susan had arranged for a group of us to go to the highly recommended deli Zimmerman’s, down in Detroit.
Saturday started early with breakfast and then Inspirations at 8am. Sandy’s choice of music was moving, as she ended with Alan Pederson’s track ‘Thanks for the Little While.’ The business meeting followed, when we heard the exciting news that the 2017 conference will be held in Arizona! After financial news, we moved on to the second keynote session with Alicia. It was very funny and clever, as she explored how our different personality types affect how we deal with our grief. Lunch followed, another Buffet with an Italian theme.
More breakout options were available after lunch. These included Suicide, Murder, Lingering Illness, Early Loss, Sudden/Accident under 18 and Sudden / Accident adult. Also a session for Family and Friends. I went to lingering loss. It was a large group so Venice divided us up into those beginning their loss, those just managing it and those who were coping and managing to honour their twins.
The closing ceremony was at 3:30 PM. Alicia ran this and it was immensely moving. We were all given a band and beads and we chose five for our twins to represent their qualities and attributes. We kept one bead back and put it into a large plastic jar which Alicia took round. As we put our beads in, we said our twin’s name and also the quality of our twin represented by the bead. Alicia went round again and we all chose a bead from another twin, an unknown quality. We threaded these on our bangles.
As always, the conference finished with a magnificent banquet. This year we had a buffet meal with hot salmon and chicken. There were speeches and awards, with the coveted Angel Award going to Joan, who works tirelessly as a RC for Minnesota and who also started a new twinless group in Seattle. We lifted the roof with our applause. The 50/50 raffle and auction followed, led by the incredible Dave. All too soon the evening was over and Detroit 2016 drew to an end.
The next morning we all went our separate ways, echoing our thanks to Michelle and Ray. As I sadly checked out, all I could think of was three words. Roll on Tucson!
Our “Angel”, Joan, twin to Jean
By Sandy , twin to Jim
At our recent National Conference in Detroit, I had the privilege of presenting the “Angel Award” to Joan, twin to Jean. I have known and worked with Joan for seven years. She is the Regional Coordinator for the North Central region and she has been the recording secretary for all our RC meetings and phone calls.
Joan is selfless, compassionate, kind and generous. When I came across this definition for an angel, I thought of Joan- “a person who can brighten up the worst day only with a smile, a person who can make life bearable with the sound of their voice, a person who you have come to love.” And we have come to love Joan!
In Joan’s own words, “As the Regional Coordinator for the TTSGI North Central region for the last seven years, I have helped twins connect with each other within a seven-state area: Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wisconsin. Even though I lead a busy life, as the owner of a personal chef company, I have often said, “This (being Regional Coordinator) is the most important thing that I do with my life.” My work with the Twinless Twins organization is my way of connecting and healing, and also of honoring Jean. When I help others, I help myself. More specifically, I feel that JEAN is helping others, through me. This is especially significant because of the fact that Jean took her own life. As horrendous as that was, I must recognize that some lives are better because of it. Her unspeakable act has also made the world a better place, through my work with TTSGI.”
When Joan had the opportunity to spend the winter months in Seattle this year, she used her time organizing a Twinless Twins regional meeting which included twins from Western Canada, Washington and Oregon. Currently there is no Regional Coordinator for that region. She saw a need in that area and filled it. Aided by the past Regional Coordinator, Pamela Fender, she assembled a list of potential attendees. This work for Twinless Twins filled her days, gave her a purpose and created a bigger twin “family” for her. It was truly a labor of love. On March 6, 2016, at noon, thirteen twins and two spouses met at the Best Western Plus Executive Inn, near the Space Needle. Half a dozen or so of them met the night before, in the hotel lounge. They laughed and cried, and shared stories with strangers who are now forever family.
In her “other” life, besides her work as a personal chef, she is a wife, mother and grandmother. One of my favorite things about Joan is that she makes me laugh! Laughter is one of the greatest gifts my twin gave to me. Thank you Joan for sharing this gift with all of us! Joan’s name is usually the first name on our attendee roster at every conference. If you look closely you will see that her name includes the word angel! We congratulate Joan, twin to Jean and thank her for her years of service to TTSGI!
As the Regional Coordinator for the TTSGI North Central region for the last seven years, I have helped twins connect with each other within a seven-state area: Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wisconsin. Even though I lead a busy life, as the owner of a personal chef company, I have often said, “This (being Regional Coordinator) is the most important thing that I do with my life.” When Jean died, from suicide in 1982, along with the intense grief, I also remember thinking, “at least now I know that the most difficult thing that could ever happen to me has already happened.” I still feel that today. My work with the Twinless Twins organization is my way of connecting and healing, and also of honoring Jean. When I help others, I help myself. More specifically, I feel that JEAN is helping others, through me. This is especially significant because of the fact that Jean took her own life. As horrendous as that was, I must recognize that some lives are better because of it. Her unspeakable act has also made the world a better place, through my work with TTSGI. It’s difficult to even put into writing, and more difficult to wrap my head around.
It’s been a long journey for me, one that changes throughout time. This year, my journey brought me to a new area Seattle. I offered to hold a regional meeting for TTSGI during my two-month stay there, as there is currently no Regional Coordinator for the Seattle area. Aided by past West Coast Regional Coordinator, Pamela, I began to assemble a list of potential attendees. Each day, I would cultivate the list, until it grew to sixty twins, from Seattle, Greater Washington state, Oregon and western Canada. It took quite a bit of time, but I had a lot of that. This was my effort of love, establishing connections, in person, by phone and by email, and it made me very proud. It filled much of my days, gave me purpose, and created a bigger twin “family” for me. I was also aided by Barb, who helped to find a meeting place for our group.
On March 6, 2016, at noon, thirteen twins and two spouses met at the Best Western Plus Executive Inn, near the Space Needle. Half a dozen or so of us met the night before, in the hotel lounge. We laughed and cried, and shared stories with strangers who are now forever family, until the security guard came over to quietly tell us that at 11:30 pm, it was now 1 ½ hours past the normal closing hour of 10 pm.
There is definitely a need for a Twinless Twin connection in the West Coast Region. If anyone is interested in volunteering, they can contact email@example.com.
By Joan, twin to Jean
About Joan: Joan has been a member of TTSGI since 2007, and a Regional Coordinator since Fall 2009. She holds meetings in Minneapolis/St. Paul area about four times a year. Joan finds her twinless twins work very rewarding and healing, and a significant part of her life. At the 2016 TTSGI Conference, Joan received the Angel award for her work helping twins in her region and beyond.
Mary George Beyer “George” passed away March 21, 2016 from lung complications. She was born February 28, 1938 with her twin sister, Georgia Mae Terry, who she called “Sissie”. George taught school for 33 years and after her retirement she earned her Master’s in Counseling and used that to help others in need. George was an active volunteer with TTSGI and she helped many twinless twins at the annual conferences, regional gatherings, through phone calls and by email. She will be sorely missed.
Tribute to My Friend George Beyer
By Dawn Barnett, twin to Daryl
Mary George Beyer was not only a twin friend but my BFF. We first met when I got her call (for a few years I took TTSGI calls that went to the main office during closed office hours), right after she lost her twin Sissie. We would talk for hours and those calls went on for over a year and I was so glad to be there when she needed it the most. As the years went by, we became best of friends and she would call me when the dark days came or just to say hi. Those calls still lasted hours because George couldn’t talk for a minute. We roomed together at most of the regional meetings and some of the conferences and would talk all night long. Over the years, she was able to do what we know from Dr. Brandt as healing by helping as she helped so many other twins in the deep throws of their grieving. As a licensed therapist, she was very qualified and willingly able to help so many times at the many conferences she was able to attend. I will miss her thoughtfulness, her Texas-size homespun humor and most of all her friendship, but know she is with her Sissie and all her family now as she had no family left here. She is also not in pain anymore and her heart and lungs are back to being perfect again. In our last emails we exchanged while she was in the hospital I wanted her to come to the Village and play golf with me at one of the courses and that’s what I’m going to miss most of all; being with her again and playing our favorite game which we never had the chance to do. But I’m sure she’s playing with Sissie and maybe even Daryl in heaven now and they are having a ball! R.I.P., my friend, George!
Our chilly winter weather gave way to the Santa Ana winds which warmed the air to a balmy 75 degrees at the beach as we welcomed Twinless Twins into our home for an afternoon of camaraderie and healing on February 7th. As we always do, we invited the twins to bring their support person to our gatherings—for a couple of reasons: to allow the twin a level of comfort as they walk into a room of perhaps uncertainty and to allow the support person an avenue to learn how to help the twin.
It was wonderful to have twins that we’ve met before come together: Michael, twin to Joseph; Lea, twin to Eve; Amy, twin to Andrea (estranged); and we welcomed Rhoda, twin to Ruth to her first meeting. After our introductions, we had a potluck lunch and found out more about each other. Then we broke into two groups: The Twins went into a quiet gathering and the support people (Susan came to support Lea and Linda came to support Rhoda) were led to the beach by Rick (my support) for their time of talking and bonding.
The time with the twins, as always, was rewarding. Yes, there were some tears, but those are stepping stones to healing. We talked about ways to take care of ourselves and how to deal with the grieving process. And what our ‘new’ way of life is all about.
I read the history of the Apache Tear—where they came from and their meaning and why we may want to use them. In summary, these stones are powerful to heal someone from feeling grief and emotional distress. Each twin was given an Apache Tear to hold and make it ‘their own’ to take home.
We talked about how grief is a process that is always in motion. We talked about how our twins lived for thousands of days and passed in only one of those days and how it is important to celebrate the thousands of days. And most importantly, we recognized that moving on is not a betrayal of our twins or their memory.
Thank you, Twins, for coming to our February meeting and sharing the afternoon with us.
By Debe, twin to Carol
Betty Jean Case passed away peacefully on Thanksgiving Day, November 26, 2015, in Portland, Oregon, at the age of 96. She was born November 13, 1919, with her twin sister Fay. Betty was the proud grandmother of twin boys and had twin brothers, so her curiosity of twin relationships and behavior inspired a research project that would result in three published books, including Living Without Your Twin and an offer to appear on Oprah. Her works took her all over the world for speaking engagements providing insight and comfort to twins everywhere.
A Tribute to Betty Jean Case
By Miriam Brandt-Doetsch
I feel privileged to have been a friend of Betty Jean Case and her husband, Dr. Laurel Case. They attended the first Twinless Twins Conference ever held in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, home of the founder Dr. Raymond Brandt, my late husband. She had come to Indiana for the express purpose of talking “twin loss” with Raymond. She, herself, an identical twin whose twin was still alive, had written books on being a twin, but wanted to research and write about twin loss. And, who better to talk with than Dr. Brandt! Both of them were twins. Dr. Brandt lost his twin at age 21 but Betty Jean’s sister was still living.
During that first meeting, they spent hours discussing the difference between survival and loss. And, out of that meeting and subsequent meetings as well as phone conversations, they began to write articles for magazines and books on “twin loss”. Talking about the problems that arise from twin loss was so new at the time and the two of them were passionate about researching and writing articles and books on their research in order to open the door for more conversation and future research on this subject.
Betty Jean was a very gracious, humble, giving lady. And I do mean lady. She was one you just enjoyed being with a lot. I visited her twice after Raymond’s death and though there were many years of age difference, we had such fun. She was so happy whenever I called, and she always made me feel happy and privileged just talking with her. Dr. Brandt so enjoyed our western trip to Oregon for both of them to work on their writings, but the four of us took a trip to the seacoast as well to the mountain where their son has a home. Not much writing but a lot of talk and deep friendship. Such a precious time.
She graciously gave Twinless Twins her copies and rights of her book, Living Without Your Twin. Many twinless have been helped with their grief because of her writings of such a dear topic to her, for she knew she would be twinless one day as well. Betty Jean once told me that besides being there for her family, she felt she had “fulfilled a need for being there for twins, something that the Lord placed in her heart.” I sincerely agreed.
by Mary R. Morgan L.M.S.W.
For anyone experiencing the loss of a loved one, especially the loss of a twin, the holidays can represent a daunting challenge. The grief and the void we feel are accentuated as it is experienced in relation to the high expectations we have for loving interactions with family and friends. For a twin whose life has revolved around the other twin, holiday celebrations become even more challenging.
The death of your loved one may be experienced by other members of your family and by your loved one’s friends, however, it is important to understand that deep personal loss is unique to each individual, and the grieving process is experienced and expressed in many different ways. The grieving process also takes different lengths of time depending on the individual circumstance.
Listen for, honor, and believe in your individual experience and in your personal feelings. In doing that, you can move to be able to feel entitled to let go the expectations others have of you, as well as the expectations you might have for yourself during normal holiday celebrations. Craft a holiday time that fits the truth of where you are and supports your healing path. Holidays are a time of remembering. We heal in experiencing the emotional memory of our loved one’s life and our relationship to her or him, and by expressing those memories in some form. In that process, our loved one and/or our twin are honored and we slowly release the pain of the physical loss of his or her life.
Knowing that we heal in this necessarily challenging and often deeply painful way, and that the holidays will bring unfulfilled expectations and painful memories, how can we craft a holiday or meet a set holiday tradition in a way that is healing but not overwhelming? Here are a few thoughts:
- Listen for and decide what you can comfortably handle and let your friends and family know your feelings. Try to make suitable changes in a family celebration, and if you are not able to do so, feel free to go to a different environment and create your own unique celebration where you can express your personal feelings.
Share your feelings with a close friend. Another person who is grieving or another twinless twin is in a unique position to understand.
Recognize your loved one’s presence in your family celebration. Someone suggested the wonderful idea of having a stocking for your loved one, where family members put in notes with their thoughts and feelings. Another suggested that you light a candle in your loved one’s memory. Have a family experience that incorporates doing something your loved one or twin especially enjoyed during the holidays.
Recognize that the grieving experience takes enormous personal and physical energy, especially during holidays. It is a step-by-step process. You are integrating the loss of someone who was of seminal importance to your life. Be kind to yourself. Pace yourself; get enough rest; do things when you are ready – not before.
Try to share and connect with others, with animals, with nature – healing takes place in connection with all forms of life.
If you are alone, try to get up the courage to do something entirely different this holiday – something that supports and honors your needs and spirit.
Healing is an up and down experience, especially during the holidays. If your feelings are happy, express them. In healing, you are honoring your loved one’s life. It is larger than their death.
Consider doing something for someone else. Touch someone else with your presence. It helped me to do this in my twin’s memory.
As we heal by expressing the emotional memories of our lost physical relationship, we begin to slowly experience these memories without pain. This happens also as we are slowly accepting the reality of the loss of our loved one as a physical presence in our lives. Most important, we realize that the essence of our relationship with them can remain with us. And, as we heal, holiday celebrations, like these memories, can once again become something we look forward to and enjoy. Our loved one/our twin is there in our hearts, nourishing our new connections and relationships. Their everlasting love remains with us as a gift.