For anyone experiencing the loss of a loved one, especially the loss of a twin, the holidays can represent a daunting challenge. The grief and the void we feel are accentuated as it is experienced in relation to the high expectations we have for loving interactions with family and friends. For a twin whose life has revolved around the other twin, holiday celebrations become even more challenging.
The death of your loved one may be experienced by other members of your family and by your loved one’s friends, however, it is important to understand that deep personal loss is unique to each individual, and the grieving process is experienced and expressed in many different ways. The grieving process also takes different lengths of time depending on the individual circumstance.
Listen for, honor, and believe in your individual experience and in your personal feelings. In doing that, you can move to be able to feel entitled to let go the expectations others have of you, as well as the expectations you might have for yourself during normal holiday celebrations. Craft a holiday time that fits the truth of where you are and supports your healing path. Holidays are a time of remembering. We heal in experiencing the emotional memory of our loved one’s life and our relationship to her or him, and by expressing those memories in some form. In that process, our loved one and/or our twin are honored and we slowly release the pain of the physical loss of his or her life.
Knowing that we heal in this necessarily challenging and often deeply painful way, and that the holidays will bring unfulfilled expectations and painful memories, how can we craft a holiday or meet a set holiday tradition in a way that is healing but not overwhelming? Here are a few thoughts:
As we heal by expressing the emotional memories of our lost physical relationship, we begin to slowly experience these memories without pain. This happens also as we are slowly accepting the reality of the loss of our loved one as a physical presence in our lives. Most important, we realize that the essence of our relationship with them can remain with us. And, as we heal, holiday celebrations, like these memories, can once again become something we look forward to and enjoy. Our loved one/our twin is there in our hearts, nourishing our new connections and relationships. Their everlasting love remains with us as a gift.