Death Of A Twin – For Parents
Having twins is one of life's greatest privileges, yet sadly, some
parents have this privilege taken from them. The death of a baby is
always a tragedy that is not lessened because you happen to have
another baby of the same age. Few people can appreciate this and may
unintentionally underestimate your loss.
Being told one of your twins is dead is one of the most heart breaking
things you could have to face, whether it happens before, during or
after the birth. You will probably feel very confused with so many
emotions being experienced all at the same time - joy for your
surviving twin and sadness for the twin who has just died.
You will have to make some very important decisions at this time. You
will probably want to see, hold and name your baby if you haven't
already done so. You may want to give other family members, especially
brothers and sisters a chance to see and hold your baby.
Take as many photographs as you can of your twin and if possible of
both twins together if you wish. You may also want the blanket that
wrapped your baby. Any clothes he/she may have worn, a lock of hair,
baby's hospital bracelet, footprints, handprints or your ultrasound
pictures if you had a scan. These are all valuable mementos, which may
bring comfort to you and help you to remember your baby.
Saying Goodbye
You may find it extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that
funeral arrangements have to be made for your baby while your mind is
perhaps concentrated on the health of your other twin. However, think
carefully before you allow family and friends to do all the planning
for you. Making your own plans is the beginning of saying
goodbye. It can be part of your healing process.
There is no need for funeral arrangements to be rushed. A delay of
several days between your baby's death and burial service can allow you
time to feel physically better and can also help you to face the
reality of the death. Remember, this is the only time you will
have to spend with him/her so it is very important to take your time
and not make rushed decisions. This may not be easy, you may be
in the very traumatic situation of having the added worry of the
surviving twin not being healthy and perhaps fighting for survival.
In this case, you may find that all your thoughts and energy are put
into this baby and there may be a certain amount of suppression of your
grief. It may well happen that when this twin is healthy enough to go
home that the extent of your loss will have impact upon you.
Caring for a new baby is exhausting and time consuming and you might
find that you set aside your sadness for months or even years.
Going Home
Going home from hospital with one baby is perhaps the first time that
parents will begin to realize the full extent of what has happened. It
can be a lonely mixture of joy and relief and also of intense
sadness. It can also be a major step along the way to realizing
that indeed one of your twins has died.
You may find it difficult to understand your conflicting emotions - joy
and relief at the survival of one twin and a complete sense of sadness
and loss of another baby. In addition to your intense grief, you may
feel very let down. As a parent expecting twins, you may have been the
focus of admiration. Suddenly, this prestige is gone.
It is not only a shock to parents but also to grandparents and other
family members. It is also a major disappointment to midwives and
doctors who may have been sharing the joy of expecting twins. Many
people fail to admit this disappointment. You may feel that they are
trying to deny your baby's existence. Well meaning family and friends
may tell you that you are lucky to have one baby or perhaps it was for
the best. The death of a twin is a tragedy perhaps beyond the
understanding of all, except for those parents who have experienced a
similar bereavement.
As parents of twins, where one has died, you are facing a multitude of
mixed emotions and problems which are traumatic at the time and may
seem insurmountable. You are grieving for one baby while trying to
carry on as normal for the sake of your other baby. You may think about
the twin who has died almost constantly, cry a lot, and wonder what it
would have been like if both twins had lived or you may try to deny all
that has happened and focus solely on your surviving baby, only to find
all your sadness re-surfacing in the future.
Many people are bewildered as to what to say or do. Many may avoid
the subject altogether. This is all too easy because there is
another baby to discuss and admire. They don't understand that your
twins are two separate, unique and loved individuals.
ing The Future
The conflict of joy and sadness will always be there - it may well
lessen as years go by but occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries,
first day at school etc. will always be tinged with some sadness
for the death of your twin. These are constant reminders, which
emphasise your loss.
Also, you do have a constant reminder - your surviving twin.
He/she will want to know about the other twin in later years. It
will be much easier for your child to accept what has happened if
he/she is told about it at an early stage. It is better if he/she
is brought up to talk naturally about it and will then l then feel free
to ask questions.
You are likely to be changed in some way by this experience. Even, when
you have successfully adjusted to the tragedy, this will not mean that
you won't shed any more tears for your baby or that feelings of
disbelief and sadness won't come flooding back from time to time.
Your grief is as real as your joy and both need to be understood. The
intense pain which you feel will be lessened with the passing of time.
You will find that you won't and cannot forget this little person you
will always hold dear in your heart.
Margaret:
"l felt a mixture of emotions of sadness, loss and relief, all at the same time.
I could hardly take in what was happening.
I heard myself ask several times, "Is the other baby alright?"
Anne:
"l couldn't put her out of my mind. Thinking, Why did it happen?
I should have brought home two babies".
Everytime I looked at Carol-Anne I could see Mary Francis beside her".
From www.isands.ie
Irish Stillbirth & Neonatal Death Society