Anniversary Reactions
The Sibling Connection
One of the most troublesome reactions to a major loss is called an
"anniversary reaction", when grief returns in full force on or near:
•The anniversary of the sibling's death
•His or her birthday
•Holiday times
•While listening to certain music
Transitional events, such as a re-location, promotion, marriage, etc.
Our subconscious mind is a ruthless timekeeper where loss is concerned.
It is as if we have a calendar within us. Often without even being
consciously aware of the date, acute pain surfaces, and we begin to
feel terrible, but we don't associate the emotional pain with the loss
that happened long ago. At other times, even though we are very much
aware of the reason for the pain, it is still intense, and feels as if
it will last forever.
What helps survivors deal with anniversary
reactions? Sometimes, simply becoming aware of the date can help reduce
the pain. Since anniversary reactions may come up decades later, this
is more difficult than you might imagine.
•Jonathan
"When my brother died, I had no idea that it would continue to have an
impact on my life, even now when I am 15 years older than I was then.
My brother, Brian, died on April 19th, and last year, as that date
approached, I began to feel terrible. But I didn't realize that it had
anything to do with Brian's death. It seemed like everyone in the
family was against me.
My kids were annoying me deliberately. My wife got on my nerves
constantly and I was thinking that everything was her fault. One day I
answered the phone, and happened to look at the calendar next to the
phone. Suddenly, it hit me. April 19th! A surge of grief came over me,
and I had to hand the phone to my wife.
I went into the bedroom and
started to cry. It seemed like yesterday--he was sixteen years old and
I was seventeen. He was in a car wreck. A truck plowed into him as he
turned into the bowling alley. He went into a coma, and they thought he
was coming around, but suddenly, his brain swelled up and he died.
After that, everything went back to normal, and I wasn't so angry. This
year, though, I was prepared. I gave the flowers at church in my
brother's memory. I don't know why, but it was easier to get through
the end of April this year."
•Alice
"It never occured to me that I would be sad about my sister's death
when my first child was born. At first, I was so happy. Then I realized
that if my sister had lived, she would be so happy for me. It seemed
like I was losing not the young girl who died from leukemia when she
was eight years old and I was ten, but the grown-up MaryAnn would have
become. She would have been my best friend, the aunt to my child, she
would have been joyous because of this birth. I was happy and sad at
the same time."