The Pacific Tribune Newspaper     •    www.pacificatribune.com

August 05, 2004
Pacifica, CA


By Elaine Larsen

Debe Bloom's deep bond with her twin sister, Carol, was forged even before they were born. As toddlers the fraternal twin sisters babbled in a language only they understood. As they grew to adulthood they shared the same taste in antiques and a love of arts and crafts.

"Our connection began in the womb and never wavered," said Bloom, who lost her sister to cancer 3-1/2 years ago. She was more than my sister, she was my best friend. She understood me better than anyone else. Losing her was like losing a part of myself."

Twins who've lost their closest sibling take comfort through a unique support group, "Twinless Twins Support Group, International," a nonprofit organization with members throughout the United States and abroad. The group offers support and resources for twins and multiple birth siblings who've lost a sibling to death or estrangement. Most lost a sibling in youth or adulthood. However, the group also deals with twins who lost one or more siblings "in utero" before birth.

Bloom first joined the organization six months before her twin sister died. She has since launched her own local chapter. Twinless twins from all over the Bay Area and beyond attend meetings held every few months in Bloom's Pacifica home.

"It's wonderful to find others who have been through the same kind of loss and understand how I feel," said Bloom. "I may always feel alone in this world without my sister, but there is healing through helping others."

How the support group began

The support group's founder, Dr. Raymond Brandt, was himself an identical twin whose brother was killed in 1949 at the age of 20. Struggling with his new solo identity - "was he still a twin?" Brandt attended an International twins convention in 1985 where he discovered that "born a twin, you die a twin." A year later, he founded the Twinless Twins Support Group, Intl. which carries on today following Brandt's death in 2001.

Today, Twinless Twins, based in Ypsilanti, Mich,, has 10 regional directors across the country, including two affiliate directors in Canada and Australia. The organization plans gatherings and events throughout the year.

Every summer, Twinless Twins hosts conferences in such locals as Fort Wayne, St. Louis, Memphis, Detroit and others. Bloom is regional director for the Western states, including California, Oregon, Washington, Alaska and Hawaii.

"After a meeting in Seattle in April I was told a particular twin for the first time was able to turn the picture of her late sister around so she could look at it. Another twin stopped having panic attacks. Hearing both of those comments made my trip worthwhile," Bloom said.

Bloom recently returned from a conference in Chicago and plans to share her new discoveries of resources at her next chapter meeting in Pacifica this Saturday, Aug. 7.

"There were 143 twinless twins at the conference and that's only the people who could get there. It's amazing to see so many people who share similar stories. I can't begin to say how much support I've gotten out of this group."

Twins' special bond

At a recent meeting at Bloom's Pacifica home, twins came from as far away as Martinez and Sacramento to share their stories and take comfort in the group. The stories varied, but the themes were the same: Growing up, twins' lives are so intrinsically linked they often think as "we" rather than "I."

Mirror images either in looks or tastes, or both, twins share every significant life milestone together. They develop a trust and a confidence, often a kind of psychic link, that surpasses all other relationships. When that bond is broken, the survivor twin feels lost, incomplete and alone like never before.

Anna-Lisa Muraoka of Martinez had everything in common with her twin brother, Aaron Keller.

Both artistic by nature, he became an English teacher, choreographer and playwright in Southern California, she a preschool teacher and musician. Although separated by distance, the pair were uncannily in sinc.

"We just had this vibe and could communicate without words. I'd pick up the phone to call and he'd say, "I was just thinking about you." That kind of thing happened all the time," said Muraoka.

After he was killed in a car crash last year, Muraoka felt her whole world had turned upside down. "It's been really hard. I was alone for the first time in my life. My security blanket was torn away."

Even harder was the lack of empathy from others, who kept urging Muraoka to get on with her life. "People don't understand what it's like to lose a twin. I got tired of them saying they knew how I feel. Finding the Twinless Twins Support Group has been wonderful."

The phantom twin

Judy Perez of Campbell always had a strange feeling something was missing in her life. Born to a newly married young Catholic mother in a small farm town near Merced, family secrets surrounded her birth. "My mother claimed I was premature and a small baby at only 7 pounds. But my later siblings were both about 12 or 13 pounds each. This was in the 1950s and people didn't talk much about such things. But there were these puzzle pieces," said Perez, a retired nurse. "I don't know if doctors even told my mother there was likely another baby. There wasn't ultrasound in those days."

Nevertheless, Perez had a nagging sense she did not begin conception alone.

"I always had this sense of emptiness, like there was a hole in my heart.

When I was a teenager I had a recurring dream about this young man who I believe is my twin brother. As an adult, I would walk into a room feel of people and still feel lonely."

After a lifetime of searching, Perez began to get answers after hooking up with the Twinless Twins Support Group. "I'm finally getting information to help me answer questions I've had all my life. A lot of people don't understand what I'm going through, but as a nurse I've always been open to exploring. The people who come to a Twinless Twins meeting are tied together by the same sense of lost. We're all orphans looking to unite with one another."

A shift in identity

The most common emotion shared by twins who've lost siblings is a major shift in self-perception.

After losing her twin brother, Scott, to a heart attack a year ago, Jill Stewart of Sacramento has worked hard to rebuild her sense of sense.

"I've always been identified as a twin. That was part of my identity," said Stewart, who travels an hour and a half to attend Bloom's Saturday meetings.

"My brother's death was a shock. Not only because it was so unexpected, but because my whole foundation was gone. We were born together, we were in high chairs together. Growing up, we had a lot of the same interests and friends.

"You celebrate your birthdays together and all of a sudden, that person is gone. I'm having to re-establish who I am."

As children, Kathryn Howell and her identical twin sister, Margaret, were like two peas in a pond. As was the fashion at that time, the twins' mother dressed them exactly alike. Every Christmas there were two identical sets of presents under the Christmas tree.

"My twin and I grew up without a sense of being individuals. We tended to operate as a unit," said Howell, who lives in Oakland. "We continued to dress alike in high school and were involved in the same theater crowd in college. As teenagers we'd even work on school projects together, putting both our names."

Both sisters became actresses and eventually established their own taste in clothes and style. But the unique bond of growing up twins never faded.

Howell, who lost her sibling to cancer four years ago, concedes she feels a sense of guilt at being the survivor.

"There is this sense that it's not right that I'm on this earth and she's not," said Howell, echoing a feeling many twinless twins expressed. In fact, as the Twinless Twins Support Group's brochure explains, many grief counselors unfamiliar with the twin bond don't understand the surviving twin's inability to "let go."

"People don't understand what it's like to lose a person who you've spent your entire life with. My sister was the person I discovered the world with. That's different than any other kind of relationship."

Bloom has taken comfort in finding others who can help her work through her grief that often hits without warning. Husband, Rick, is also gaining insights into helping his wife cope with those "bad moments."

The walls of Bloom's home are full of photos of happy times with her sister, a vivacious world traveler who never let anything get her down, even cancer which she battled bravely for five years.

"Carol was my reasoning post, my rock of Gibraltar. She was 2-1/2 minutes older than me and was like an old soul. She was always there for me and really kept our family together."

Even when disease ravaged her body, "Carol would insist that we stay positive. She always tried to shield me and said she didn't want sadness, but laughter, fun and positive energy. I would have gladly traded places with her."

Thin and weak, and sent home to Bloom's house to die, Carol spent her last days surrounded by family and friends, including a festive Shabbat Jewish gathering complete with guitar-playing cantor and songs. She died three weeks shy of her 50th birthday, her twin sister by her side.

Bloom keeps alive her twin's memory through the photos on her walls, and wearing her sister's favorite ring. "I take it off and put it back on each morning as a conscious remembrance to my sister," said Bloom. She's also taken to wearing purple - a blend of the two sisters' favorite colors, pink and blue.

"I will never forget my sister. I have her two sons and my memories. But no one can take her place."

For more information about Twinless Twins Support Group International write P.O. Box 980481, Ypsilanti, MI 48108. Phone: 1 (888) 205-8962 or email contact@twinlesstwins.org

If you're interested

Twinless Twins Support Group International is hosting a meeting this Saturday, Aug. 7, in Pacifica. This support group is for multiple birth siblings who have lost their twin(s) to death or other separation. Contact Debe Bloom at (650) 355-2111 for more information.